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Stop Being Consistent

I just had to say that. When I was a new mom, I read everything. I learned that in order to raise well-behaved children, we had to be consistent. Rules must never change. Consequences must always stay the same. Mom & Dad can’t have different rules. We must be solid, like a wall. We must be unified. Us against them. We must stand strong. Grownups vs the kids. We must———STOP THE INSANITY———– (Thank you, Susan Powter)

Someone actually once said “Oh you must be so consistent” when my oldest was little because she was so “well behaved.”

It makes me sick now.

I think the second sickest memory I have, looking back, was when my oldest was on time out. She’d go to time out really well, I’d say the word and she would run to the corner and stay there until I said she could come out. I put her there in front of people and they’d snicker behind her back about how compliant she was, whispering “she just stays there…hehe….wow” They were admiring my parenting skills, so I was proud. Little did I know that I’d look back at that time in our lives & wonder what the hell were we thinking. She was probably 3.

Consistency isn’t normal. It isn’t natural. The world is inconsistent. Unless children are violating laws of nature (gravity, centrifugal force) they’ll never experience consistency with humans, and that’s beautiful.

Mom & dad are different people, with different opinions and different perspectives, both of which are valuable. If we are to constantly grow & change and evolve as humans, and become better people every day, then what the hell are we worried about consistency for? Stop trying to be consistent and just be honest.

Do you know (you probably do) that so many parents are alienating grandparents because the grandparents have “different rules.” Consistency is supposedly so important, or maybe kids are so stupid, that they can’t be exposed to any adult who has different rules. WHAT is that all about? Different employers have different rules, different cultures have different rules. LIFE is all about understanding how to work within several different environments. HOME shouldn’t be a place you have to learn how to “be” in. At home, you should just be you. Safe, loved and growing. What rule can be more important than that?

I just had to say all that. As we prepare (which really means scrimp & save & stick to our budget) to go to the Rethinking Education Conference again this year, I’m trying to reflect upon everything we’ve learned about gentle parenting over the past 12 months. We’re not perfect. We still have a VERY LONG way to go. We’re improving every day. We’re helping each other be inconsistent. Consistently improving.

Here are three of my favorite resources that we’ve been using over the past year, to be more gentle parents.

The Daily parenting emails from Scott Noelle, called The Daily Groove it’s a really quick read. I subscribed myself and my husband, each one takes less than a minute to read. I wish I could get it via text message.

Bob Collier’s monthly Parental Intelligence Newsletter, which is absolutely HUGE- it can take all day to read but it’s so worth it.

And our kids.

I list them last not because they’re least important, but because they require a longer explanation. The concept of consistency in parenting assumes that you have a motive and a prescribed means of reaching that goal. But our goal for the kids is that they’re able to communicate and have healthy relationships. I want them to spend their whole life growing and changing, evolving and improving. I don’t ever want them to feel like they’ve “figured it all out.”

In my opinion, the only way to reach that goal is to model ourselves growing & changing, To not separate so much between us and them. They need to be part of our family’s changes, especially right now the older ones who know what “the other side” is like.

In marriage and in business, the relationships you have with people define your level of success. A marriage without communication is likely to fail. An employer or employee who isn’t able to communicate with their co-workers, staff, clients, or vendors won’t be around for long.

Consistency represents a solid and steadfast commitment to NOT communicating with the children.

Nothing you say will change my mind. Cry all you want, see if I care. Go ahead, have a fit about it. I’m not changing my mind. It doesn’t matter what you say. It doesn’t matter how you feel. I’m the parent, that’s why. Because you’re a kid. When you’re an adult, then talk to me about it.

Parents may huddle together figuring out a “consequence” for some action, in an effort to represent an aligned front, but no one is communicating WITH the kids. The only REAL consistency is that the children’s voice doesn’t matter.

We just can’t do that anymore.

With six kids in the house the only way we can survive is with complete honesty.

“I know you used to get punished for that when you were little, but I’ve learned that it wasn’t really fair, and it makes a lot of sense to me now. Punishing you didn’t work, you still did it. You even did it behind our backs.”

or how about

“I’m sorry I snapped at you for that, I really freaked out when I saw you _____ because all I could think of was _____. I love you, and I know that wasn’t very nice of me. ”

or most often

“Because that’s how I was raised and I know it makes no sense, so let’s figure out what the root of this issue is, and let’s move on. Thank you so much for pointing it out. Really. You want this___ I’m thinking this_____ it’s really probably not a big deal, so can you just tell me when you’re done so I can clean it up. Thank you again, and I apologize for reacting so quickly.”

It seems to me like so many of my parenting role models have been perfect parents the whole time they were raising their kids. Like they discovered the secret to perfect parenting while they were pregnant and have been radiant beams of sunshine ever since.

Where are the flip flops? I’m sure they’re out there. I know I’m not alone. In my generation we were taught to keep our mouths shut. A lot. No back-talking. Don’t whine. Don’t complain. Don’t talk like that to your mother. Don’t talk like that to your sister. Not in my house. Not in my car.

Who is going to write the parenting book that teaches us how to move FROM authoritative parenting TO consensual, non violent communication? Has it been written? Please let me know because I have an Amazon.com credit that’s burning a hole in my… um… amazon.com, credit account.

If deep thoughts like this rock your world, then please enter your email address:

FeedBurnerhooked you up. Seriously, you’ll be glad you did this. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about a few things.

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