Mrs Hannigan's Home for Girls

It finally hit me. As a writer, when I have a thought I am having a hard time expressing, it drives me crazy. I’m always searching for the right words to explain my thoughts. I know some people think in words, but I tend to think in feelings sometimes.

My second daughter loves animals. She’s always wanting to be surrounded by animals. She’s the one who had the dog-sitting business, kept her fish alive for 3 years and tries coming home with strays.

She’s been wanting a rabbit for a long time. We put all sorts of conditions on it, which probably wasn’t very nice. “Your room has to be clean, you have to learn how to take care of rabbits, you have to read about rabbits, you have to [insert condition].”

In spite of all of our resistance, she ended up with a rabbit.

Why were we resisting this, when our whole “parenting philosophy” mandates that we’re supportive? I don’t know. Something about the fact that I am not a huge fan of animals. I don’t like the work involved in keeping them alive. I could handle having some free range hens, if I was getting eggs from them. I love our dog, he’s really low-maintenance. I just didn’t want a rabbit. They stink.

So she researched rabbit bedding materials and found a combination , recommended by a friend, that basically results in no odor. She showed me, scientifically, why this combination is good. it’s something about drainage and pH. shreddy paper pulp underneath, topped with corn cob mulch.

She found a friend who was giving away a rabbit and coincidentally that lady was using the same bedding trick. Meagan was beaming when she heard the lady explain it to me. This rabbit, by the way, was litter-box trained.

Anyway- it took her a while to get this bunny home. Another way of looking at it would be that it took her a while to reach her goal. I don’t know if we handled it right, It’s not like my goal was to sabotage her. But if I hadn’t made it so much work maybe she wouldn’t have been so focused.

I don’t know.

Either way, I don’t think the rabbit gets out enough. It’s not getting enough exercise.

I wasn’t sure how to handle this.

On one hand, I wanted to say that “if you don’t take care of the rabbit, I’m getting rid of it.” On the other hand, “I’m so impressed that you worked so hard to get it, I don’t want to be the one to ruin your dream.”

I could blame it on her & say “I wouldn’t be getting rid of it if you’d take care of it” but then I am being “the judge” inflicting a punishment instead of letting her learn from life.

My next thought is that if she’s learning from life then the rabbit might die.

That did NOT feel right. If I did that, then I’d be just as guilty as she was.

So I took a quiet moment to try and picture what the perfect scenario is.

I want the rabbit to be healthy as long as it’s in our house.
I want my daughter to feel supported.
I want no conflict about the rabbit situation.

Scott Noelle taught me this trick. You just close your eyes and picture the result you want for a minute.

Finally, it dawned on me.

Instead of thinking in terms of “What should I do about this problem?” or “How can I get my daughter to take care of this rabbit?”

I decided that “I’m going to do everything in my power to see that my daughter succeeds.”

So often, growing up, I know I felt that my goals, dreams, wishes and hopes were ignored, ridiculed, and not important to the people around me.

I don’t think that’s true, looking back at things. I just think that kids don’t often communicate their goals in ways that adults see. If a friend of mine were to come to me & say “I’m opening a bakery” I would make an effort to recommend them whenever people talked about bakeries. I’d give them marketing tips, I’d schedule business meetings there. Supporting goals you UNDERSTAND is easy.

Kids’ goals, though, are a bit harder to understand, but a lot easier to help with.

All I need to do here is NOT get rid of the rabbit.

When a kid says “can you spell barbie for me” that’s their goal. Or, perhaps their goal is to get to barbie.com. Either way, they don’t start out with business plans.

Some parents will say “look it up”

Which means “Good luck with that goal. I know how to do it but you’re not getting any help from me. Figure it out your own self.”

Another parent may say “Sound it out”

Which means “work for it”

When my little girls ask, I just spell it for them. Goal reached. Now she’s tasted success, reached her communication goals, and knows how it feels to be supported.

I made a decision to say “I will do everything in my power to help you reach your goal.”

That’s what I would want. That’s what I’d do for my husband. That’s what I’d do for a friend.

So technically nothing has changed, except for my attitude. The old me would have gotten rid of the rabbit, thinking that the rabbit’s safety was in jeopardy. The new me is taking responsibility for the rabbit’s safety and subsequently for my daughter’s experience.

Instead of learning that we are obstacles to her happiness, she is learning that her success is important to us and that we’ll help her. Isn’t that what life is all about, helping one another?

I grew up with a feeling that asking for help was wrong. I still have trouble depending upon the people around me. Isn’t that what families are for? In any relationship, it’s important to help one another meet their needs.

I had to repeat that revelation several times tonight.

“I will do everything in my power to make sure that you reach your goals.”

I think it’s VERY important.

Imagine how empowering it would be to believe that everyone around you was ready to help you reach your goals.

Update- this was written about a week ago. I hadn’t intended on posting it, I was going to keep it archived. However, I made a habit of scooping the rabbit’s litter box and letting it out to hop around each day and she’s taken over a few times, to do it. I’m really surprised with myself, though. Something that I was so stressed out by is now completely gone, just because I changed my thinking about it.

What’s your parenting pet peeve? How can you change your thinking? I actually enjoy taking care of that rabbit, now. Like wrapping a birthday gift or knitting a hat for a new baby. When I do it, I know I am helping. That’s how caring for another creature should feel, not like a chore.

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